Today I ran over a mother duck that was leading its little ones across a busy street. I turned around and got the babies on my next pass. TTM

Today, my stomach gurgled and my colon flexed in that "uh oh I shit my pants" sort of way. It's been over a year, so while I figured I was due, it still was not a pleasing thought. I faked sick and my boss let me take the rest of the day off. When I got home, there was no shit, no SHIT! TTM

This year, Tim Tebow, Brandon Spikes, the whole 2-deep defense, and a backfield with enough speed to field an Olympic relay team, return to defend their title. TTM

Today, I found out that this kid I've been talking to is a ghost. And then I realized I'm a ghost too. TTM

Today, I finished my Ph.D. thesis, but have another 3 weeks left on my scholarship. You're all mah bitches!

Today, I flirted with the hawt beer delivery man and scored a date with him and a case of free beer! TTM

I'm a straight A student, I even got an award for getting on the bus. TTM http://www.google.com/hostednews/ukpress/article/ALeqM5hso3h9-_l9aDUXlAiOe0BxbspTeg

Today, I beat my personal record by masturbating 15 times. Consecutively. Within 1 Hour. TTM

Today, I was on the bus enduring my daily slog to work, when a busted ass hooker stepped up, stumbled down the aisle, and sat across from me. Her face was a mess, but her sloppily appointed miniskirt could not hide her swinging balls. TTM

Today, this cougar I've been talking to online for a while came over and we fucked. I secretly recorded video of the whole thing. Tomorrow I will fuck my girlfriend.