Today I found a fake coupon for free 4packs of Monster and got a dozen of them. Normal price? 98 bucks. My price? 2.40. TTM.

Today, my roommate decided to go full-fledged vegan. I am now the proud owner of all of her bacon, beef and cheese in the fridge. TTM!

Today, I ran into my cheating ex's mother at a bar. She remembered me and commented on how stupid her daughter had been for screwing things up with a guy like me. One thing led to another, and I ended up railing my ex's mother in the bed my ex was conceived in, in the house she grew up in. TTM!

Today, I noticed that the grocery store forgot to charge me for my beer. All four cases. TTM

Today, I beat my personal record by masturbating 15 times. Consecutively. Within 1 Hour. TTM

Today, I fucked with a former employee by pretending I needed a job. He's all proud because I fired him 10 years ago for being a douchebag. While he was in his office playing Scrabble, I pissed in the potted plants and shat mightily in a file cabinet. TTM

Tomorrow night I am taking my wife and her girl out to dinner then coming home for a threesome! TTM

When I was 16, I got my girlfriend to give me head at the local park, up in a tree. TTM

Today, I had to post a story about Vanessa Hudgens's nude photos on my company's website. I got to look at her naked pics and get paid for it. I got paid for checking out her original ones. Yes, I get paid to look at naked women. TTM.

Today, I was supposed to interview a former boss of mine who had fired me 10 years ago just because he didn't like me. I made him wait in reception for over an hour while I played online Scrabble, then I told him "Sorry, I think there's been a misunderstanding, the position has been filled." TTM